Todd and I just got back from a night out (courtesy of auntie and her boy). We got to eat out and go to a movie. We had been hearing great things about The Dark Knight so we thought we would give it a try (and I am willing to admit at least I had some Heath Ledger curiosity). Well all I will say is that it was amazing and if you have the chance run out and see it as soon as you can. The theater was packed which for a Monday night on this little island is saying a lot. I would say that he out performed Jack Nicholson  by far…aside from that it was really a great story. I usually have a hard time sitting still for more that 2 hours so I was really surprised when I saw it had been way over that amount of time. Seriously fun night (being with Todd was great too).

My household is in the grips of the new puppy blues (again)…my sister just got a wonderful new puppy from the Potter League. She is all the things we (or I should say me and Morgan) have been looking for. She is calm, sweat, and really well behaved. She is just the right size and it has made us want a new puppy even more (we have been planning to get a puppy for the last year or so)…however…Todd wants little to do with a dog and is hoping the rest of us will all just forget about it. I think he has figured out that the kids and I have a good memory and are not going to let this go. As background we owned a dog (one that Todd also didn’t want) that got very sick and we had to let him go. Todd was really upset about it as he had become very attached to the dog…so we are pretty sure he will like the next dog we get. We finally put in an application at the Potter League and have begun the real waiting…so I am hoping to have a puppy in the next 6 months or so….also hoping my husband doesn’t kill me (I think he wont want to be alone with 4 kids though)

I know that I should get out of my jammies but I just love sitting on the couch, doing nothing in particular, and having someone else tell the kids to stop whining/fighting/jumping on each other. I know that in about an hour the kids will be done with my lounging but I just can’t get up the need to care yet 

I know that other people have dreams of fancy things but truly I dream of lounging in bed with Chinese food, a good old movie, and my husband uninterrupted….maybe because it has been 8 years and 3 months since something like that has happened (and Todd and I used to have a ton of weekends like that)…not that I don’t love the kids….

Collin said the other day that it had been too long since we took a really long walk in the trees looking for “magic plants”  hehehe Todd and I love to hike (we will get to do the AT someday) and we have made our kids go on long ones (5-7 mi.) well being little people with little legs they can get tired. When we just have to get going (because say the sun is setting) we will tell the little kids (the girls now look at us like we are idiots) that if they hold these “magic plants” (ie weeds) they will make them run. It is great and works like a charm.

So even though they are not the same I still love the weekend, the laziness, and the help. I think we might try the Black Ships Festival then if the weather is good head out to the water. Maybe we will even hit the Linens -n- Things close out sale for work stuff (I love shopping and picked up a Margarita Machine I had been saving up for there for about $150 off…had been saving for a while for it!) Work has been so crazy for Todd that I am happy to see him just sitting reading the paper. He has really been stressed and he tends to keep all the stress on himself when things are like that. I have been trying to force him to delegate and to let me help him more but I digress…glad to see him relaxing! Glad to have a few minutes of calm!

I have really been feeling disconnected from myself lately. The kids have been so needy lately (not that I am complaining….but I am complaining) that I feel like I haven’t thought about myself for a while. I have never wanted (or been happy) to be one of those moms who devotes herself 24/7 to her kids needs. I have felt that when they grew up if I acted that way I would have nothing to do and pine for them or try to live my life through them. That is why I have always wanted to work…so I had an identity outside of mom. Lately even work time has been taken up with them. I know this will not last forever but I am feeling like the me inside me is getting kicked around a bit. I have let my exercise time go (mostly because my neck still hurts) and I need that time to feel like a person. Todd has been so busy at work lately I feel like I have not seen him in months and I am not sure I am capable of having a conversation with another adult without sounding idiotic! I do know that this is not how I will feel forever…tired and neglected (by myself) but sometimes when you are in the middle of those feelings they are all consuming.

I am thinking that someone out there is sending me a signal that I need to be less digitally connected.

1) About 2 weeks ago we started having trouble with our phone…to make a long story short we had no phone service for days (and we just thought no one liked us ).

2) My computer has been on the fritz now for several months. I just replaced a part and thought that it was all better but no it seems that things are still not right with it…so I will only be on-line when the gods of the digital age allow me to.

3) We were sitting in the house during one of those almost rainy days and I heard a large pop from the general direction of the TV. So I call Todd after figuring out that turning it on and off (the extent of my TV repair knowledge) did not work. He confidently says it is a burnt bulb (ok…I trust you). When he went to replace the bulb he noticed that the inside was melted…not a good thing! Sony is not being helpful at all either!

Updated to Read: Is has now been close to 2 weeks and Sony is still not being helpful…they want $500 to “upgrade” our TV because they no longer make the model we have…we have said a big no…we don’t have $500 to replace a TV that was 3 years old and expensive. So we are waiting to see what a high manager has to say. I miss my TV…we have what the kids call a “baby TV” from the guest room in its place

My youngest Tristan is now 2 1/2 years old and even though I know he is not ready to head out to college he just is feeling so old these days. He is defiantly the youngest of 4 kids and tries to keep up with all the big kids. He is watching his brother and sisters closely and tries to run and jump as high as they do. He tries to sit and listen to stories as still as they do (even though this is maddeningly hard for him) and he dreams of going off to camp and school with them (very hard to say sorry you are too young). I have a ton of friends right now who are expecting babies and I am very comfortable with our decision to have 4 kids but I do miss hold a new baby….I am very ok handing the baby back though

I know that our family is moving on to a new chapter in our lives and Tristan is a huge symbol of that. Our kids will soon all be in school and I will be working more (which I love). Very soon all my kids will be able to get into the car and buckle their seats without my help….and soon no one will need me to check their bums (I can only dream right now). Because of all these things I think that sometimes I have expectations for Tristan’s behavior that are not realistic…I do have to remember he is 2 1/2 and not 4 like his brother (even though they often act a lot alike).

Even though all these things are wonderful and I am looking forward to my kids getting older, having real discussions with them, watching them play sports (with some actual skill), and taking cooler family trips I have been a mom of young kids for 8 years. I know how to do this and looking into the world of tweens and tantrums (ok I have seen a few of these) scares me. It scares me because I have to let go more of my kids and trust…not them more…but the world around them more. It scares me because they have voices that have power and weight behind them and I have to remember to listen more. It scares me because we will no longer be that young family anymore and I am getting older. It scares me because I am growing apart from my friends that are not making that transition. It scares me. But it is also exciting…

Ok so we are at week 2 of the girls being out of school and the end of week one for Collin and they are driving me nuts! They have managed to fight over every possible thing under the sun…she has the swing more than me…I want to lick my ice cream cone first…he was breathing in my direction! Breath…I know they are getting used to the routine but you would think they would enjoy summer instead of torturing their siblings…maybe that is why when I was little we were told to go outside and come back when it was dark! I really need to pick up the beach pass so they can run around there because our yard is not cutting it.

Ok so I have never been great at the diary thing…why did I think a blog would be better. I am going to try this time to write at least every other day (good goals). So just got back from a great trip to Vegas with 9 other ladies and had a great time. I loved getting a break from the kids and life in general and I have come back much better for it. Weird side effect though…I started to feel really guilty for leaving my hubby in charge of the kids (not that he minded at all)…maybe I was listening to too many people talk in my ear but I started to feel like I was selfish for needing the time away. I know in my head that I am better for it but sometimes I get worried that I am the more selfish one in the marriage…

Wow I am so happy to have 2 minutes to myself. I have been a true ball of stress for the past several months and I have been trying to find a way to decompress. It seems like nothing does the trick. I was finally so stressed out and overbooked that I hurt myself (why does it seem to take that?). After several days of recovery everyone else seemed to get sick…so that was it I needed to get myself better. On top of everything else we had a vacation to Florida to visit family planned. It seemed to be the worst timing ever and I was frankly not in the mood to be traveling. You know the packing, the whinny kids, and the end of the routine. Well it seems like an end to my normal routine is just what I needed. I have relaxed, been able to sleep (that has not been going so well), and Todd and I remember each other and have had several whole minutes strung together to say….have a conversation. It feels like the butterflies that have been living beneath my skin for the past year and a half have up and left. Sure the kids have had their moments and I almost had one of my 3 am panic attacks about the business (stopped it in mid-panic) but all and all I have been good. Maybe it is the sound of the water (I am so getting a wave CD) or the cool breeze at night….but maybe it is just shutting off my brain, giving myself a break, and not worrying that my world could cave in at any minute that has given me this new found peace. I will bottle up some of this feeling to take home. I will not step off the plane and along with the cold weather bring back the weight of the world, the worry of everyone I know, and the insecurities that have been plaguing me. I will remember to breath, press my shoulders down away from my ears, and retain a sense of peace that things have a way of working out. I enjoy this feeling…I crave this feeling….of happiness

So I have moved into this century and decided that I might have time to enter all the funny, frustrating, and endearing things that happen to and around me if I can type instead of writing in a baby book or journal (which I have failed at lately). I have always wished I were the type of girl who would sit quietly at night and write all these wonderful, funny, and exciting things but lets face it that is just not going to happen. And please don’t get me started on the baby books. I have 2 wonderfully full books for my twins and two beautifully empty books for my boys that sit next to my bed taunting me with the bad mommy chorus. So here goes. I will be a girl who can enter great and witty things in a blog…or at least record my crazy life.